1. When you're home alone, do you still close the door when you shower?
no. and even when someone else is here i usually leave it open. depend son who it is.

2.Has a friendship ended recently that you wish hadn't?
things aren't the same. but who is to say that is bad?

3. Do you like your music loud or at a reasonable level?
its either blaring or off.

4. Would you rather talk on the phone or chat in person?
person. for sure. i can't ever hear on the phone.

5. If you had one whole day to yourself, what would you do?
i usually do. and i do random things.

Can you watch scary movies alone?
yes

6. Is anything bothering you?
my dog is whining right now and it's mostly annoying.

7.Would you rather stay home all day, or be out and about?
a good mix of both.

8. Do you like to keep the peace or be confrontational?
there is a time and place for everything.

9. Are you more likely to be with a large group of people or a few close friends?
close friends. unless i'm with a big group.

10. What are your plans for October?
next october? i move to alabama. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

11. Are you listening to music right now?
no. i'm watching a movie.

12. What is your ideal profession?
hmmm. if it wasn't for all that school, i'd do a lot of things.

13. Cutest moment this week?
cuddling with dagger the other morning.

14. What are you doing this weekend?
i'm not sure. i think there is a rumble. aaaaaaaaaand thats it?

15. What is one fear that you can't seem to overcome?
frogs.

16. Are you in a good mood?
yes

17. What's stashed under your bed?
absolutely nothing.

18. Is there anyone you regret ever meeting?
yes. oh dang.

19. On the opposite sex where do you like them to have piercings?
different piercings look good on different people. but i do not like the eyebrow ring. i think that might be the only one i would think twice about.

20. Would you rather have roommates or live alone?
alone

21. Do you like to drive?
oh yes.

22. What is your favorite thing to wear?
big sweat pants and a big sweater. yes. i'm frumpy. get over it.

23. If you found out that you were going to be a parent, what would you do?
i'd be stoked. then i'd call my sister (cause she's desperate to be an aunt). only after trying to figure out how the heck it happened.

24. Are you talking to anyone while doing this?
jessica imed me.

25. When were you the saddest in your whole life?
oh man. i think i was sad most of my teenage years. but i think the saddest i have ever been was when i moved to texas. i missed my family so much. and i still do.

26. Ever had ugly thoughts about someone you love?
yes

27. Have you ever made someone so mad that they broke something?
yes

28. You have 3 months left to live, what do you do?
preach the gospel

29. You're having a bad day, what's one thing that can make your day better?
Jesus

30. What makes you mad?
people.

31.What do you hate the most about yourself?
my inability to finish anything.

32. Do you remember when you lost your innocence?
in our family? we were never innocent. not with the stories my dad would tell us. or the movies that were watched. i think a specific time was when my aunt rented the toxic avenger and we watched it. i was little. that's all i know. haha.

33. Is there anything you would change about your body if you could?
dude i'd cut the fat. for sure. but not all of it. just a good amount.

34. You wake up in an unfamiliar place, what is your first reaction?
that's never happened. so... i don't know what i'd do.

35. Is there anything that you should be doing right now?
sleep.

36. Do you hide who you really are to keep your family happy?
no. i think i've done enough disappointment. there isn't too much left.

37. If there was a way to know when and how you're going to die, would you like to find out?
no. cause then i'd avoid it or be paranoid.

38. Your phone rings at 4am, who do you expect it to be?
someone telling me someone is dead. or at least they better be.

39. Do you hate anyone?
nope.

40. Would you ever give your number out over the internet?
if it was like an old friend or something. but not to a stranger. that's crazy.

41. Do you go to school?
no.

42. Who are your top friends and why are they there?
they are church and organizations

43. If you could go back and change one thing from your past, what would it be?
hmm. i don't know. at least i have interesting stories. haha.

44. Do you ever lie to make someone happy?
no. cause that is not happiness.

45. Do you believe your dreams/nightmares hold truth?
yes

46. Do you think human life is too short? Why or why not?
no. i'd get bored living to be 700

47. What is your worst death you can imagine for yourself?
not being able to breathe.

48. What person are you most afraid of and why?
i'm not afraid of anyone. thats right. bring it.

getting to knooooow you

Well well well...
Here I am again. I think if I ever wrote a book or anything of importance, I'd write it at night. For some reason everything is very clear when the sun goes down.
In my last post I wrote about my hopelessness. And now all of that is bunk.
I reluctantly went to Women's Group tonight. And through the first.... 3/4ths of it I was really out of it. I didn't feel well and I was frustrated. But as we kept going on things began to make sense again. I was connecting. So afterwards on my drive to Irving I began to talk to God again. I spoke about my frustration and how I was really dry and all that. I think it's funny that I try to mask my heart to Him. It's so ridiculous. He knows what I am hiding. So, I came clean. I felt silly. But when it's pure from my heart, it is pure in His ears. I could feel Him again. He was speaking to me again. I can't even tell you how amazing that was. He gave me revelation on a lot of things I've been dealing with. I am realizing more and more what it means to die to myself so He can live through me. I can't even THINK of a life I'd rather live. I know it's hard. And I know it's going to have really, really rough times. But the best part is that it will bring Him glory. And He is doing all the work. I'm doing very little in the big picture. And it's amazing. That hard part is letting Him do it. God was not condemning me for my sins, I was. Which was the main part of my hopeless thoughts.
More of You. Less of me. You must increase, I must decrease.

Moving on..

We watched Amazing Grace tonight. Such a good movie. I always see so much more the second time around (plus I wasn't sewing this time). I just love it. But at the same time it makes me sad. How many of us loose sleep over injustice? How many of us will devote our entire lives to see "such things" abolished. Just simply think of abortion. There are a lot of people out there fighting it. And they are getting closer and closer. And I know a few of them that do loose sleep and health and their lives for it. And it's amazing. I really wish I could do that. I wish I had that passion for SOMETHING aside from my love for Christ. But maybe that's just it. It's only through His love that I do anything. And everything I do is birthed from It. I could do a million great things, but if none of them are in the name of Christ - they were a waste. And that is what I loved about this movie. He was torn in the beginning because he had to choose between his political career and his love for Christ. But they merged perfectly. It was God that created men equal, and he saw that. I could seriously go on forever. I'd love for God to use me like that. And I know He can. If only I would let Him.

John Newton:Although my memory's fading, I remember two things very clearly. I'm a great sinner and Christ is a great Savior.

Sunday messed me up

For some reason I couldn't really connect with what PC was saying. I mean, I get it. But I'm tired. And I feel selfish and guilty for being tired. I'm so aware of my sin that it makes me sick. And I battle it and find victory. And I understand giving up everything. But I don't know what I am not giving up. What am I still holding onto? What else can I do? I've been sacrificing and .. I mean.. How do we do this without any breaks?
My health is nuts and I want to just get healed already.
I'm excited and scared about moving back to Bama.
I'm frustrated with God and my faith is dwindling. I know He is the same and never changes, so I know the problems are because of me. And He can renew me each day. But each day it gets harder and harder to get out of bed.
I miss being completely in love with Him. I feel very dry and alone.

other than all that.

my house is a mess. i have way too much stuff here.

Inner Battle

Last night we had praise night at DBC (which we have the last Friday of every month). I had this huge inner battle going on for the majority of the time I was there. I really wanted to press in and worship. But I think I ultimately wanted to feel God again. I wanted a touch from Him again. I've been getting dry in my selfishness. I haven't been spending time with Him or reading the Word. I wish I could say that it was second nature to me. So I started to get really frustrated, and almost mad at Him for not seeing my efforts (for about 30 minutes) and reaching down and showing me love. And I know that even when I don't feel Him that He still loves me. And I know that I still love Him. But I just kept thinking "When I want love I don't get it. but when I'm not desperately seeking it out it comes to me." Then He started to reveal places in my heart that I kept Him. I can't seem to get past making God just another "person" in my life. People will ALWAYS let you down. And He has never let me down - so why do I have these expectations of Him doing that? Why do I see Him as a person instead of my Glorious Saviour? I still don't have all the answers. But I do know that when I am not spending time with Him that I begin to get far from Him. Which sounds logical. But for some reason it always sneaks up on me. Also, I always feel guilty asking God to show me that He still loves me. I mean, I know He does. But I like to feel it. And so I was thinking about when people get married they are always working on their marriage and always telling/showing each other that they care and love and will be there (I know they are not ALWAYS doing that, but that is how it should be - right). So I just threw down my guard and I said, "love me." Plain and simple. just love me. I needed Him to love me. I am always so aware of my sin and where I fall short. And I need to always remember His grace and the sacrifice He made. but I always need His love. And I always need Him to show me His love. I am a dirty, rotten sinner. Yet, God always picks me up, cleans me off, and takes me in as His daughter. It amazes me. And it just makes me fall even more in love with Him.

On another note - I AM TOTALLY NOT READY TO HAVE KIDS. I mean, I love them. And I love taking care of them. But I don't know where I ever thought I was ready. I mean, it's totally obvious. I've been taking care of Lillie until Sunday when her parents come back from a retreat. We have a great time. But for some reason I never fully understood the sacrifice it takes just to take care of them. I mean, I barely slept last night. And nothing stays clean. She always wants something. It's an all day thing. When I laid down last night to sleep I thought "man, this was a long day. I'm so ready to sleep." and I knew she'd sleep for a while since we went to bed late (she actually fell asleep at Taco Cabana). But I kept worrying about Dagger waking her up. Or that she was going to wake up and I wouldn't notice. So I woke up about every hour to check on her. So if you ever hear me talking about being ready for ANYTHING - just tell me that I'm not. I'm so not ready to get married or have children or do anything. I love being single for sure - but I am finding more and more ways of loving it each day. Which is good for now. Cause I know that God has called me to more and hopefully in that time I will be ready.

whew.

Baby shower today! I'm excited.

I hate being sick.

So it seems like the big question lately is: Who am I trying to please?

Am I doing everything to please God? Or am trying to please my parents? Or other people? Maybe just myself?
I can admit that my motives are not always directed towards God. I wish they were. I really wish that I could just... forget everything and set my eyes completely on Him and let Him place the priorities in my life. I mean, my whole life I just wanted to make my mom happy. I just wanted to be an awesome daughter. And I think I still do desire that. Why can't I ever do anything right that would make her proud. It seems I just upset things when I come back into the picture. It sucks and it hurts. Feeling unwanted in your own family. But I know that's not true. And maybe I can't get things straight in my head because I'm afraid of offending anyone. Me, afraid of being offensive. I can tell you straight up that if you don't repent and put your trust in Jesus that you will go to hell. But when it comes to admitting that I don't feel loved - I get scared. Maybe I just feel like I'm too old to feel this way. Like I should have gotten over it sooner. And I've gotten over a lot of things.
Dang.
Back to the point...
So, when I go home this next month... am I going to be the same old Bekki. Or am I going to be the Rebecca that God has formed these past two years?


In other, not serious, news. I did some more Christmas shopping. I am really excited. I am really stumped on what to get my brother, though. I've gotten everyone else figured out.
And I'm sick. This'll be the third day running.

My sock creatures are really coming along. I got some new socks to make one for Selah. I'm stoked.

Anyhow, I'll leave this where it is.

one of those things..

1. When was the last time you shaved your legs?
a week or so ago. hey, it's winter!

2. What were you doing this morning at 8am?
waking up. i had to pick up mikaila from the airport

3. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
making dinner

4. What are you wearing?
MAINE shirt and black pants

5. Are you mad at anyone right now?
my throat

6. Last person to say they loved you?
emily?

7.Last person to call you?
cameo

8. What is your middle name?
louise

9. Do you have a crush on anyone?
nope

10. Have you been naked today?
in the shower.

11. Do you have any famous relatives?
we're all famous.

12. Have you ever had sex in a public place?
what? no.

13. Have you ever made-out in a public place?
doubt it.

14.How many different drinks have you had today?
just tea.

16. What have you eaten today?
i went to a chinese buffet for lunch. and i'm making a pizza right now.

17. Are you good at math?
no way

18. Do you have plans on Saturday night?
i'm not sure. i think we have 24 hour prayer.

19. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
nope.

20. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
sure have

21. Do you like the ocean?
yes. i adore it.

22. Do you stay friends with your ex's?
i have a hard enough time staying friends with friends.

23. What are you excited about?
my pizza

24. What did you do yesterday?
drove home from arkansas

25. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive?
no.

26. Where do you keep your change?
in a tattooed piggy bank

27. Who is the best person in your life?
Jesus

28. Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
dagger and i do well together

29. What was the weather like on your birthday?
cold, i think?

30. Would you kiss anyone on your top friends list?
myspace? no.

One is the loneliest

So here we go. Another blog. That's all I need. But, this one is for all the folks back home. Just to see what is happening in my life.
I'll post more later once I get things settled here.