Inner Battle

Last night we had praise night at DBC (which we have the last Friday of every month). I had this huge inner battle going on for the majority of the time I was there. I really wanted to press in and worship. But I think I ultimately wanted to feel God again. I wanted a touch from Him again. I've been getting dry in my selfishness. I haven't been spending time with Him or reading the Word. I wish I could say that it was second nature to me. So I started to get really frustrated, and almost mad at Him for not seeing my efforts (for about 30 minutes) and reaching down and showing me love. And I know that even when I don't feel Him that He still loves me. And I know that I still love Him. But I just kept thinking "When I want love I don't get it. but when I'm not desperately seeking it out it comes to me." Then He started to reveal places in my heart that I kept Him. I can't seem to get past making God just another "person" in my life. People will ALWAYS let you down. And He has never let me down - so why do I have these expectations of Him doing that? Why do I see Him as a person instead of my Glorious Saviour? I still don't have all the answers. But I do know that when I am not spending time with Him that I begin to get far from Him. Which sounds logical. But for some reason it always sneaks up on me. Also, I always feel guilty asking God to show me that He still loves me. I mean, I know He does. But I like to feel it. And so I was thinking about when people get married they are always working on their marriage and always telling/showing each other that they care and love and will be there (I know they are not ALWAYS doing that, but that is how it should be - right). So I just threw down my guard and I said, "love me." Plain and simple. just love me. I needed Him to love me. I am always so aware of my sin and where I fall short. And I need to always remember His grace and the sacrifice He made. but I always need His love. And I always need Him to show me His love. I am a dirty, rotten sinner. Yet, God always picks me up, cleans me off, and takes me in as His daughter. It amazes me. And it just makes me fall even more in love with Him.

On another note - I AM TOTALLY NOT READY TO HAVE KIDS. I mean, I love them. And I love taking care of them. But I don't know where I ever thought I was ready. I mean, it's totally obvious. I've been taking care of Lillie until Sunday when her parents come back from a retreat. We have a great time. But for some reason I never fully understood the sacrifice it takes just to take care of them. I mean, I barely slept last night. And nothing stays clean. She always wants something. It's an all day thing. When I laid down last night to sleep I thought "man, this was a long day. I'm so ready to sleep." and I knew she'd sleep for a while since we went to bed late (she actually fell asleep at Taco Cabana). But I kept worrying about Dagger waking her up. Or that she was going to wake up and I wouldn't notice. So I woke up about every hour to check on her. So if you ever hear me talking about being ready for ANYTHING - just tell me that I'm not. I'm so not ready to get married or have children or do anything. I love being single for sure - but I am finding more and more ways of loving it each day. Which is good for now. Cause I know that God has called me to more and hopefully in that time I will be ready.

whew.

Baby shower today! I'm excited.