Rebecca Louise

Internal Beauty?

2009-03-09T12:46:00.002-05:00

I was thinking about the whole "beauty comes from within" concept today. After reading this verse in I don't understand how that could happen.
Mark 7:21-23 (Amplified Bible)
For from within, [that is] out of the hearts of men, come base and wicked thoughts, sexual immorality, stealing, murder, adultery, coveting (a greedy desire to have more wealth), dangerous and destructive wickedness, deceit; unrestrained (indecent) conduct; an evil eye (envy), slander (evil speaking, malicious misrepresentation, abusiveness), pride (the sin of an uplifted heart against God and man), foolishness (folly, lack of sense, recklessness, thoughtlessness). All these evil [purposes and desires] come from within, and they make the man unclean and render him unhallowed.
Do we say that a flower is beautiful because of its "insides"? Or a sunset is beautiful because of what it means? No, these things are beautiful to the eye. Their beauty creates emotions in us. And when we see "beautiful people" they create emotions and feelings (not even saying that they are good emotions/feelings). I know the concept comes from how our view changes when we get to know people. So what is beauty? Maybe it is merely things that create those certain emotions and feelings in us. People see things differently. What is beautiful to me might not be beautiful to you. So is beauty in the eye of the beholder? Perhaps. We often hear men and women speak of their spouse as "the most beautiful man/woman". But they might not be the most beautiful to everyone else. But that doesn't mean they are not beautiful. So who are we to say who or what is or isn't beautiful? I can't, rightfully, say that someone is not beautiful.. because to someone they are beautiful. So I suppose what my point is (and not the point I was going to make at the start of this post) that everything and everyone is beautiful. We just need to shut up sometimes. But then we come to evil... what do we do about that? The only thing I can think is that we are made in the image of God... and He is beautiful. So to the eye, everything is beautiful. But sin covers us. Maybe that is where this "internal beauty" comes from. And everything that God makes is beautiful. Every storm, every insect, every organ, every creature, every hot Texas afternoon, EVERYTHING God makes is beautiful.

It's over...

2009-02-02T10:53:00.002-06:00

January is the most insane month ever. The fast is finally over. I'm older. I'm in a new place. And lots more.
For some reason whenever I come here to update I forget what I want to write about. So how about the most random post ever? Let's see how that works out...
Dagger and I just got back from a long walk. There is always something about walking down by the lake that is so calming. My new apartment is along the same walking route as my old one. I'm just glad it's not icy. We both took a few spills last week. I'm going to try and get him nice and worn out for the car ride tomorrow.
I had to endure the doctor this morning. I finally just told her that she needed to do something about this heartburn. So I have an appointment to have an ultrasound on my gallbladder. Then we are going to do another kind of scan if there are no stones. Then if there is nothing wrong I will go see a GI doctor. Hopefully we will figure out what the heck is going on.
I need another vacation. I know we are going to the beach in July. and I'm heading to Birmingham tomorrow for two weeks. When I get back I am started the small group. Which is the first step to the church plant. Yikes.
I want to start doing water aerobics. I know it's very old lady (but what about me ISN'T old lady?)... I think it would be good. I'm trying to convince someone else to do it with me.
I'm really digging my new apartment. It's small. So everything is more accessible. Plus I have the luxury of a washer and dryer. Seriously the best thing ever.
It is sad that I can't even think of anything else to write. That is so sad. But I have to go meet Cameo for lunch and do some laundry. I need to get this house in order before I head out tomorrow. I'm excited about the 10 hour drive. I need to put my podcasts on my ipod. wahoo!

Did you say steak?

2009-01-11T23:58:00.002-06:00

We are in the middle (well, 11 days into it) of a month long fast. I have to say that I want steak...real bad. The first ten days were fruits, vegetables, and water. Now for the next 21 days we are straight liquid. If we can get it through a straw...we are eating it. Potato soup and milkshakes were on the menu tonight.
Today is also the one year anniversary of the house of prayer. Which is exciting. It is only by the Grace of God that we were able to sustain it. And by Grace we will go until Jesus comes back. My slot is at 5AM this month. I dig it. I love those night slots. Even if it means getting up early.
I know this sounds dramatic, but I'm really upset that so many people are going to hell. I think the part that upsets me is that I talk to so many people everyday that are still going to hell. I've never said a word to them. I talk to people very infrequently about their soul. But what if I am the person talking to them at the very moment the Lord wants to save them. What if I am the last person they see before they die. Just typing this upsets me to no end. I was talking to a guy at the Starbucks in Target today about his soul and it made me very sad. I finally understood the fact that Jesus absolutely loves him. He adores Him and longs to be in this amazing relationship with Him. But He also longs to save him so that on the day of judgement He can be with Him in paradise. It's a very beautiful thing. But it kills me that people I know and people I love are still going to hell.
During this month fast we are praying for one person in particular. And of course I my heart breaks for my brother. I don't love him more than anyone else. But I cry almost every day because I love him. I see his face in almost every bald white guy. No joke. I hear his voice and hear his jokes. Dramatic. I know. But I love him. and I hate that he is going to hell. And I hate it. But I know that it doesn't matter what he is doing now. It doesn't matter if he hates God and if He thinks He is some mean guy...God is totally faithful and WILLING to save him.
Anyways. I'm exhausted and I have to be up for 5AM prayer.
Is that enough of a sobering update for you, Rachel :)

I'm not a Christian, I'm a follower of Christ

2008-08-21T22:29:00.000-05:00

1 Peter 4:16
However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name.

Basically, I just typed out this huge thing about one of my biggest pet peeves. People saying that they are a follower/believer/lover of Jesus, but do not claim to be a Christian. And I went on a big tangent and remembered this verse. This verse is in the very same Bible you claim to be living by. So why don't we live by it and cut out the pride? Who are you trying to not offend anyways? I might be wrong in my accusations.. but if you don't want to be called a Christian, please let me know why. And if it's because you don't like the church and what it has done..THE CHURCH IS THE BRIDE OF CHRIST and I'm pretty sure He will not stand for us to call her names and talk trash about her. Now, I'm not married...but if I ever do I believe my husband would not be pleased if someone was going around saying that I'm a liar and that I'm a theif. Now, I might be those things...but the amazing part is that we all are. And it is only by His grace that I've been redeemed. So it is only by GRACE that the church (aka HIS BRIDE) has been and is being redeemed.

And if your reasoning is because you don't want to be "offensive" then you should really seek the Lord and find out what name He wants you to bear and what it means to "count the cost"....and read these scriptures.

Matthew 5:10
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Matthew 5:11
"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.

Matthew 5:12
Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

John 15:20
Remember the words I spoke to you: 'No servant is greater than his master.' If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also.

2 Timothy 3:12
In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted,

Don't take my word for it... as I said before. SEEK THE LORD and READ YOUR WORD.

If I am wrong, please correct me. I would love to find out that I am wrong and I actually shouldn't be persecuted. Honestly, we don't even know persecution. And saying you are a Christian in this country doesn't mean anything. It is the preaching of the Gospel and not being ashamed of the very thing that will save your soul that will get you made fun of..... I mean persecuted. They might even call you names. They might call you a Christian, which is apparently the worst of them all. I'd rather be called every name in the book by a man than be called a coward by God...what about you?
-pr

P.S. When I stated above that we are all liars and thieves I meant it. But I also believe strongly in accountability and seeking after righteousness. I do not think it is right or okay to do those things, by any means.

ALASKA

2008-08-19T17:29:00.001-05:00

I'll admit that I'm a little sad to be home. I loved Alaska. I'd move there in a heartbeat. I uploaded some of the best pictures onto Flickr for everyones enjoyment.
We went to Glacier Bay National Park, Juneau, Sitka, Ketchikan, & Victoria (BC).

My Alaska pictures on Flickr.

All I have to say is manbabies.com

2008-07-20T23:56:00.000-05:00

no title..can't think of one.

2008-04-02T13:30:00.002-05:00

I think I am about to loose it. If anyone knows my "about to freak out" face I am probably wearing it a lot these days.
I feel like I can't do anything right. Like I'm always dropping the ball. I don't know what my problem is. I just don't want anyone to ask me to do anything for a while.

What am I, three?

2008-03-11T11:35:00.002-05:00

Whenever I brush my teeth after I've gotten dressed I ALWAYS get toothpaste on me. But not just like a drop. Like the entire thing comes flying off my toothbrush and hits my shirt. I don't know what my problem is with that.
This is my last week of watching the girls. I'll miss it, but I'll get to sleep in a little longer.
Today I start making the power point slides for the church. I haven't made slides in FOREVER so hopefully I won't get fired on my first day.
I really wanted to update with something of substance, but I have nothing and Dagger is whining to go outside.

I fell down, AGAIN

2008-03-07T12:58:00.003-06:00

I slipped on the ice yesterday and busted my butt. One of the girls I watch said "You don't ice skate very well"
No, I sure don't.
So now my hip hurts. It hurts to stand or sit or lay down. Daaaang. I can't see a bruise.... but it definately hurts when I touch it. It makes me leg go numb if I don't move it for a while. But of course moving it makes it hurt.
There is still snow all over my car. It won't come off! And it sounds like it's raining because everything is melting.
I need to start cleaning my apartment today. I need to clean it before I leave for ten days. But at least my bug infestation is gone.
I only watch the girls for 3 more days. Mon, Thurs, Fri and then I'm done. It has flown by so fast.
I was getting some blood drawn the other day and the lady had no idea what she was doing. I have a HUGE bruise on my hand and it still hurts. She was like "wiggling" it in my vein because the blood was being slow. And then she stopped the tube and it jerked the needle. I just looked at her with tears in my eyes and she didn't even look at me. She was probably the worst lab tech I've ever experienced. But hey, at least I don't have to pay for my doctor visits anymore. Not even a co-pay. GO MEDICARE! It's actually decent insurance. Prescriptions are crazy high. But I don't have to pay for anything else.

dang rachel

2008-03-03T21:16:00.003-06:00

so its freaking SNOWING OUTSIDE!! IN TEXAS! just a few days ago i was wearing shants (ya know, short pants) and t shirts. this is insane. and it's supposed to warm up again soon. i like the snow, but i don't like having a dog that takes fifteen minutes to poop in the snow.

1.)Do you like blue cheese? oh heck no

2.)Have you ever smoked heroin? negative.

3.)Do you own a gun? not yet. :)

4.)What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? cherry and limeaid.

5.)Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? yes. i have one at nine tomorrow. i'm scared.. for sure.

6.)What do you think of hot dogs? i like them most of the time. we had them at my birthday party and they were the BIGGEST ones i've ever had.

7.)Favorite Christmas movie? its a mix. home for the holidays is a good one. and white christmas.

8.)What do you prefer to drink in the morning? tea

9.)Can you do push ups? yeah. but not like.. in a row. i can push myself off the floor, but if i go back down it might be bad.

10.)What's your favorite piece of jewelry? plugs. not sure which are my favorite. maybe my anchor ones?

11.)Favorite hobby? laughing.

12.)Do you have A.D.D.? No.

13.) What's one trait you hate about yourself? um. not really sure.

14.)Middle name? Louise

15.)Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment… i like my middle name. i can't feel my fingers.. and now my ears hurt.

Name 3 things you bought yesterday: tea. food. tuition for notu.

17.)Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? tea. tea. tea.

18.)Current worry? i can't feel my feet either.

19.)Current hate right now? my apartment.

20.)Favorite place to be? the secret place.

21.)How did you bring in the New Year? at my sisters 10th anniversary party.

22.)Where would you like to go? to the beach.

23.)Name three people who will complete this? all the nkotb boys.

24.)Do you own slippers? yes. but i never wear them. i need to!

25.)What shirt are you wearing? my dbc kingdom bound green shirt. i only wear dbc shirts. surprise!

26.) Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? that just seems weird.

27.)Can you whistle? yes and sometimes on accident like the beaver.

28.)Favorite colors? red and green.

29.)Would you be a pirate? i don't like to rape or loot or kill. so no.

30.)What songs do you sing in the shower? prophetic worship songs. hahaha God looooves it.

31.)Favorite girl's name? obelia dire or victory (but my dang pastor took it! i'm really not upset about it, but it would just be weird for me to actually name a kid that now)

32.)Favorite boy's name? jeremiah avail

33.) What's in your pocket right now? no pockets. i'm in my underwear.

34.)What's something that made you laugh today? the girls. we laugh a lot.

35.)Best bed sheets as a child? i don't remember.

36.)Worst injury you've ever had? not sure. i have not had many injuries. maybe the screw in my foot (shut up, rachel)

37.)Do you love where you live? yes. absolutely. i'd live here forever if i could! well, not this apartment.

38.)How many TVs do you have in your house? 1

39.)Who is your loudest friend? mikrazy. or crameo. haha

40.)How many dogs do you have? one fabulous dog!

41.)Does someone have a crush on you? probably haha

42.)What is your favorite book? the Bible. so cheesy, but it's true. favorite one in there? maybe jeremiah or lamentations. or psalms.

43.)What is your favorite candy bar? not a fan.

44) Favorite Sports Team? none

45.)What song do you want played at your funeral? "you are my joy" by david crowder band.

46.)What were you doing 12 AM last night? oh dang i was ASLEEP

47.) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? dang i can't go get my tests done right now. maybe tomorrow.

Video's

2008-03-03T18:01:00.001-06:00

I took some video's of church yesterday.
I put them on my youtube

I've been tagged

2008-02-29T16:53:00.002-06:00

HERE'S HOW YOU PLAY. ONCE YOU'VE BEEN TAGGED YOU HAVE TO WRITE A BLOG OF TEN WEIRD, RANDOM THINGS, FACTS OR HABITS ABOUT YOURSELF. AT THE END, YOU CHOOSE TEN PEOPLE TO BE TAGGED, LISTING THEIR NAMES AND WHY YOU CHOSE THEM TO BE TAGGED. DON'T FORGET TO LEAVE THEM A COMMENT "YOU'RE IT" AND TO READ YOUR BLOG. YOU CAN'T TAG THE PERSON WHO TAGGED YOU. SINCE YOU CAN'T TAG THAT PERSON BACK, LET HIM OR HER KNOW WHEN YOU'VE POSTED YOUR BLOG SO HE OR SHE CAN READ YOUR ANSWERS.

I'm not tagging anyone because very few people read this and those that do already did it.

1. i LOOOOVE working out.

2. I'm a sucker for soap opera's

3. I'm convinced everyone has hated me at one point.

4. I keep money in my bra (that was for Lynn, haha.) But I always get it out before going into a store, because that's embarrassing.

5. I love doing laundry. I would eat laundry soap or bathe in it if I could.

6. I drink more than anyone I know (tea that is.. I don't drink)

7. I am loud and obnoxious, but very few people see me like that.

8. I have a thing for horses. I think they are amazing creatures.

9. I love leopard and zebra print.

10. I talk about God more than people would like. It's almost all I talk about.

First day on the new job

2008-02-21T08:05:00.003-06:00

I'm about to head out for my first "official" day watching the girls. We had fun the other day. Granted, it was only for a few hours and not the whole day. But I'm sure we will have fun all day today! They are only about a year apart, but they are SO different. One of them is very sassy and the other one is... kinda tough. They are both soo cute, though.
The medicine for my heartburn seems to be working. I didn't have any problems last night. Although I was scared to go to sleep. Hopefully this will be the answer for all my sleepless nights and mornings in the ER. It's kind of sad that I've been to the ER three times for heartburn. I wouldn't have gone unless I thought I was dying. Dramatic.
I don't think I have much else to update on. My life is lame and mundane. I like it :)

I have the best friends ever!

2008-02-10T01:25:00.000-06:00

So tonight we had my birthday party (yes. a few weeks late... but we were all fasting and then we had to catch up on ALL the January birthdays). We did a 50's theme and totally busted our butts to get Emily's house ready for it. It was so much fun. There was a bubble blowing contest - won by Andrew. And a hoola hoop contest - won by Will, Nikki, and Jenny. We had good, simple food. After the party died down a bit the "hens" just sat around the talked. It was so fun. I love that these people took time out of their Saturday to celebrate MY LIFE! It just doesn't make sense to me sometimes. I'm just amazed at the awesomeness of my friends. I got so many great gifts! I wasn't expecting ANY of them!! I got an Ulta gift card, a handmade cup rag with cherries on it, a wallet, soap, oil infused sticks, a pedicure set, red lip gloss, red fingernail polish, a FREAKING MICROPHONE!, cereal, and more. Seriously, the best! I am going to be so sad to move back to Alabama! My heart is very torn about it. I love everyone here so much.

2008-01-24T23:12:00.000-06:00

What month were you born in?
THIS ONE. IN ONE DAY

Where do you live?
hurst, texas

…Describe Your…

Wallet:
it has cherries.

Dream car:
honda odyssey

Toothbrush:
its green.

Jewelry worn daily:
snakebites. tongue ring. nose ring. plugs. string on neck.

Pillow Case:
well, i always have two cases on. i'm not sure why. but one is red and the top is green.

Eyes:
blue

Room:
its WHITE. ugh it sucks. but. its very plain

Love life:
i'm in love with Jesus and that is all that matters.

Cologne/Perfume:
maybe baby if anything.

Cd in stereo:
dolly parton. hehe

Piercings:
snake bites. nose ring. tongue ring. ears at an inch. etc.

Wearing:
black pants. 5th commandment shirt. grey hoodie.

Wanting:
food.

What does your headline mean:
i have no idea what it is.

Last thing you ate:
about to eat some chicken helper.

Something you are afraid of:
the color yellow.

do you like candles:
yes

Do you like the taste of blood:
yes. i like the metalic taste. but i'd never like.. seek it out.

Do you believe in love:
yes

do you believe in soul mates:
yes

Do you like seafood:
nooooo

Do you remember your dreams:
yes. most of the time.

Do you consider yourself a study freak
when it comes to the Bible, yes.

What’s your favorite thing to do in the place where you live?
sleep.

Do you like tattoos:
no. i think they are so ugly.

Do you burn easily in the sun:
yes

Do you speak another language other than English:
no.

What’s something you wish you could understand better:
the trinity.

Are you shy around a crush?
i don't have a crush. but no. i'm not ever shy.

What book would you recommend to anyone?
the Bible. i'm predictable, i know.

Last show you watched an entire episode of?
frasier.

Last movie you watched at home
broken.

Got any plans for the weekend
going to austin to CELEBRATE (march against) the 35th anniversary of roe v. wade.

Do you miss anyone?
yes. my family.

Last incoming call on your cell phone?
um. emily?

What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer
a picture.

What’s your favorite restaurant?
um. mellow mushroom.

Last time you swam in a pool?
hmm. not sure. sometime last summer.

What was the last thing you bought
lets see. . . some stuff at target. a birthday card. some gum. and some thank you notes.

A secret about you?
i don't have secrets!

Ever made a prank phone call
yes. haha.

Where did Waldo go?
to hell

Do you really know all the words to your national anthem
yes

What did your last text message say
"you have received a new profile comment!"

outgoing:
"hey. are you still gonna watch dagger on saturday..........." it went on.

Have you ever been in a beauty pageant
every day. i'm beautiful. duh.

Have you ever written poetry
yes

Have you ever won a trophy?
no. i won a metal for piano when i was little.

Are you a good cook
no

Do you know how to pump your own gas
um. yes? thats stupid.

Think fast, who do you hate right now
no one! wooha

first thing that popped into my head.
i thought you said "pooped" and so.. thats what popped into my head. the thought of something pooping in my head

Who was the last person you visited in the hospital
um. karyl.

What do you think about most
JEEEEEESUS.

the one person you wanna be with right now
Jesus. sorry i'm lame.

2008-01-21T21:25:00.001-06:00

can we NOT talk about food.
last night I wanted a ham and cheese omlette.
right now I want pizza.
and maybe some Waffle House hashbrowns with cheese.

other than being hungry, this fast is amazing. 10 days to go. I can't wait to see what God is going to do.

not an exciting update

2008-01-17T01:01:00.000-06:00

So I figured I'd update this with some actual news from my life. Since I don't update it with much else.
My birthday is in like.. 8 days? That's weird. I'll be 22. I never thought this would be my life at 22. Very strange. I'm not excited about getting older. I still think I'm 18 most of the time. But I am going shooting for my birthday. And then I'm having a party on Feb 9th (yes, my OWN party! i won't have to share it with anyone!) It will be a 50's themed party at Emily's house. So dress up and be ready for some fun games!
I'm on my 17th day of fasting (and my 7th day of liquids only). I do okay with it most of the time. But when I'm in a hurry or really hungry I get upset cause it'd be so easy to just grab something instead of cooking soup or making a smoothie. But other than that, I'm doing okay with it. I have a 5PM prayer slot at the church, so I've been going to that everyday and then we have corporate prayer at 7. Just for the month of January. It's been really good.
I'm having strange allergies right now. They started in the middle of the night last night. My eyes were all puffy and I've been coughing ever since. I'm not really sure what I could be allergic to. Maybe I need to bathe my dog or something.
It looks like October will be the month I move back to Alabama. I have mixed feelings. I really love Hurst. It's small and familiar. I'm less than 2 miles from the church and everything is so close by. I never need to leave the city - but I do, obviously. I'm going to miss everyone here so bad. It seems like I've been here my whole life. But I also miss my family really bad. I always wonder how things will be when I get back. Not just with my family, but with everything. Adapting back into Birmingham will be strange, for sure.
what else....what else
I am determined to get my house in order. It's a mess! I have no motivation to do anything. I'll do it half way and give up. I just have way too much stuff.
I'm losing weight with the fast, so that's cool. I'd like to keep it off - but I'd also like to down about 10 pizza's right now. And my hair is getting long. Long and blonde. Hopefully I can stick with it and grow it out. Last time I didn't get this far before I shaved it back into a mohawk and dyed it red (which was a bad idea).

I got new tattoo on my forearm. It's big and unfinished.
Yes, the picture is upside down. It says "Faithful" at the top and "Revelation 2:10" at the bottom. Faithful because my name means faithful, but also because Revelation 2:10 says "If you are faithful, even to the point of death, I will give you the crown of life." It's in an odd spot on my arm, so it was hard to take a picture.

I really can't think of anything else to write about...except that Zoe will be NINE this month. It's insane. I can't really comprehend it. It doesn't seem like it was 9 years ago that I was being splashed with amniotic fluid and umbilical blood. It was a very beautiful, and very bloody, mess. Best day of my life so far. Of course, the doctor did say he has never seen more shades of white (I suppose I get a little queezy at the site of blood and the thought of THAT coming out of THERE).
So, now that I have grossed everyone out (seems to be popular in our family) - I'm heading to bed.

2007-12-14T01:14:00.001-06:00

1. When you're home alone, do you still close the door when you shower?
no. and even when someone else is here i usually leave it open. depend son who it is.

2.Has a friendship ended recently that you wish hadn't?
things aren't the same. but who is to say that is bad?

3. Do you like your music loud or at a reasonable level?
its either blaring or off.

4. Would you rather talk on the phone or chat in person?
person. for sure. i can't ever hear on the phone.

5. If you had one whole day to yourself, what would you do?
i usually do. and i do random things.

Can you watch scary movies alone?
yes

6. Is anything bothering you?
my dog is whining right now and it's mostly annoying.

7.Would you rather stay home all day, or be out and about?
a good mix of both.

8. Do you like to keep the peace or be confrontational?
there is a time and place for everything.

9. Are you more likely to be with a large group of people or a few close friends?
close friends. unless i'm with a big group.

10. What are your plans for October?
next october? i move to alabama. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

11. Are you listening to music right now?
no. i'm watching a movie.

12. What is your ideal profession?
hmmm. if it wasn't for all that school, i'd do a lot of things.

13. Cutest moment this week?
cuddling with dagger the other morning.

14. What are you doing this weekend?
i'm not sure. i think there is a rumble. aaaaaaaaaand thats it?

15. What is one fear that you can't seem to overcome?
frogs.

16. Are you in a good mood?
yes

17. What's stashed under your bed?
absolutely nothing.

18. Is there anyone you regret ever meeting?
yes. oh dang.

19. On the opposite sex where do you like them to have piercings?
different piercings look good on different people. but i do not like the eyebrow ring. i think that might be the only one i would think twice about.

20. Would you rather have roommates or live alone?
alone

21. Do you like to drive?
oh yes.

22. What is your favorite thing to wear?
big sweat pants and a big sweater. yes. i'm frumpy. get over it.

23. If you found out that you were going to be a parent, what would you do?
i'd be stoked. then i'd call my sister (cause she's desperate to be an aunt). only after trying to figure out how the heck it happened.

24. Are you talking to anyone while doing this?
jessica imed me.

25. When were you the saddest in your whole life?
oh man. i think i was sad most of my teenage years. but i think the saddest i have ever been was when i moved to texas. i missed my family so much. and i still do.

26. Ever had ugly thoughts about someone you love?
yes

27. Have you ever made someone so mad that they broke something?
yes

28. You have 3 months left to live, what do you do?
preach the gospel

29. You're having a bad day, what's one thing that can make your day better?
Jesus

30. What makes you mad?
people.

31.What do you hate the most about yourself?
my inability to finish anything.

32. Do you remember when you lost your innocence?
in our family? we were never innocent. not with the stories my dad would tell us. or the movies that were watched. i think a specific time was when my aunt rented the toxic avenger and we watched it. i was little. that's all i know. haha.

33. Is there anything you would change about your body if you could?
dude i'd cut the fat. for sure. but not all of it. just a good amount.

34. You wake up in an unfamiliar place, what is your first reaction?
that's never happened. so... i don't know what i'd do.

35. Is there anything that you should be doing right now?
sleep.

36. Do you hide who you really are to keep your family happy?
no. i think i've done enough disappointment. there isn't too much left.

37. If there was a way to know when and how you're going to die, would you like to find out?
no. cause then i'd avoid it or be paranoid.

38. Your phone rings at 4am, who do you expect it to be?
someone telling me someone is dead. or at least they better be.

39. Do you hate anyone?
nope.

40. Would you ever give your number out over the internet?
if it was like an old friend or something. but not to a stranger. that's crazy.

41. Do you go to school?
no.

42. Who are your top friends and why are they there?
they are church and organizations

43. If you could go back and change one thing from your past, what would it be?
hmm. i don't know. at least i have interesting stories. haha.

44. Do you ever lie to make someone happy?
no. cause that is not happiness.

45. Do you believe your dreams/nightmares hold truth?
yes

46. Do you think human life is too short? Why or why not?
no. i'd get bored living to be 700

47. What is your worst death you can imagine for yourself?
not being able to breathe.

48. What person are you most afraid of and why?
i'm not afraid of anyone. thats right. bring it.

getting to knooooow you

2007-12-04T01:30:00.000-06:00

Well well well...
Here I am again. I think if I ever wrote a book or anything of importance, I'd write it at night. For some reason everything is very clear when the sun goes down.
In my last post I wrote about my hopelessness. And now all of that is bunk.
I reluctantly went to Women's Group tonight. And through the first.... 3/4ths of it I was really out of it. I didn't feel well and I was frustrated. But as we kept going on things began to make sense again. I was connecting. So afterwards on my drive to Irving I began to talk to God again. I spoke about my frustration and how I was really dry and all that. I think it's funny that I try to mask my heart to Him. It's so ridiculous. He knows what I am hiding. So, I came clean. I felt silly. But when it's pure from my heart, it is pure in His ears. I could feel Him again. He was speaking to me again. I can't even tell you how amazing that was. He gave me revelation on a lot of things I've been dealing with. I am realizing more and more what it means to die to myself so He can live through me. I can't even THINK of a life I'd rather live. I know it's hard. And I know it's going to have really, really rough times. But the best part is that it will bring Him glory. And He is doing all the work. I'm doing very little in the big picture. And it's amazing. That hard part is letting Him do it. God was not condemning me for my sins, I was. Which was the main part of my hopeless thoughts.
More of You. Less of me. You must increase, I must decrease.

Moving on..

We watched Amazing Grace tonight. Such a good movie. I always see so much more the second time around (plus I wasn't sewing this time). I just love it. But at the same time it makes me sad. How many of us loose sleep over injustice? How many of us will devote our entire lives to see "such things" abolished. Just simply think of abortion. There are a lot of people out there fighting it. And they are getting closer and closer. And I know a few of them that do loose sleep and health and their lives for it. And it's amazing. I really wish I could do that. I wish I had that passion for SOMETHING aside from my love for Christ. But maybe that's just it. It's only through His love that I do anything. And everything I do is birthed from It. I could do a million great things, but if none of them are in the name of Christ - they were a waste. And that is what I loved about this movie. He was torn in the beginning because he had to choose between his political career and his love for Christ. But they merged perfectly. It was God that created men equal, and he saw that. I could seriously go on forever. I'd love for God to use me like that. And I know He can. If only I would let Him.

John Newton:Although my memory's fading, I remember two things very clearly. I'm a great sinner and Christ is a great Savior.

Sunday messed me up

2007-12-03T17:25:00.000-06:00

For some reason I couldn't really connect with what PC was saying. I mean, I get it. But I'm tired. And I feel selfish and guilty for being tired. I'm so aware of my sin that it makes me sick. And I battle it and find victory. And I understand giving up everything. But I don't know what I am not giving up. What am I still holding onto? What else can I do? I've been sacrificing and .. I mean.. How do we do this without any breaks?
My health is nuts and I want to just get healed already.
I'm excited and scared about moving back to Bama.
I'm frustrated with God and my faith is dwindling. I know He is the same and never changes, so I know the problems are because of me. And He can renew me each day. But each day it gets harder and harder to get out of bed.
I miss being completely in love with Him. I feel very dry and alone.

other than all that.

my house is a mess. i have way too much stuff here.

Inner Battle

2007-12-01T10:57:00.001-06:00

Last night we had praise night at DBC (which we have the last Friday of every month). I had this huge inner battle going on for the majority of the time I was there. I really wanted to press in and worship. But I think I ultimately wanted to feel God again. I wanted a touch from Him again. I've been getting dry in my selfishness. I haven't been spending time with Him or reading the Word. I wish I could say that it was second nature to me. So I started to get really frustrated, and almost mad at Him for not seeing my efforts (for about 30 minutes) and reaching down and showing me love. And I know that even when I don't feel Him that He still loves me. And I know that I still love Him. But I just kept thinking "When I want love I don't get it. but when I'm not desperately seeking it out it comes to me." Then He started to reveal places in my heart that I kept Him. I can't seem to get past making God just another "person" in my life. People will ALWAYS let you down. And He has never let me down - so why do I have these expectations of Him doing that? Why do I see Him as a person instead of my Glorious Saviour? I still don't have all the answers. But I do know that when I am not spending time with Him that I begin to get far from Him. Which sounds logical. But for some reason it always sneaks up on me. Also, I always feel guilty asking God to show me that He still loves me. I mean, I know He does. But I like to feel it. And so I was thinking about when people get married they are always working on their marriage and always telling/showing each other that they care and love and will be there (I know they are not ALWAYS doing that, but that is how it should be - right). So I just threw down my guard and I said, "love me." Plain and simple. just love me. I needed Him to love me. I am always so aware of my sin and where I fall short. And I need to always remember His grace and the sacrifice He made. but I always need His love. And I always need Him to show me His love. I am a dirty, rotten sinner. Yet, God always picks me up, cleans me off, and takes me in as His daughter. It amazes me. And it just makes me fall even more in love with Him.

On another note - I AM TOTALLY NOT READY TO HAVE KIDS. I mean, I love them. And I love taking care of them. But I don't know where I ever thought I was ready. I mean, it's totally obvious. I've been taking care of Lillie until Sunday when her parents come back from a retreat. We have a great time. But for some reason I never fully understood the sacrifice it takes just to take care of them. I mean, I barely slept last night. And nothing stays clean. She always wants something. It's an all day thing. When I laid down last night to sleep I thought "man, this was a long day. I'm so ready to sleep." and I knew she'd sleep for a while since we went to bed late (she actually fell asleep at Taco Cabana). But I kept worrying about Dagger waking her up. Or that she was going to wake up and I wouldn't notice. So I woke up about every hour to check on her. So if you ever hear me talking about being ready for ANYTHING - just tell me that I'm not. I'm so not ready to get married or have children or do anything. I love being single for sure - but I am finding more and more ways of loving it each day. Which is good for now. Cause I know that God has called me to more and hopefully in that time I will be ready.

whew.

Baby shower today! I'm excited.

I hate being sick.

2007-11-28T21:50:00.000-06:00

So it seems like the big question lately is: Who am I trying to please?

Am I doing everything to please God? Or am trying to please my parents? Or other people? Maybe just myself?
I can admit that my motives are not always directed towards God. I wish they were. I really wish that I could just... forget everything and set my eyes completely on Him and let Him place the priorities in my life. I mean, my whole life I just wanted to make my mom happy. I just wanted to be an awesome daughter. And I think I still do desire that. Why can't I ever do anything right that would make her proud. It seems I just upset things when I come back into the picture. It sucks and it hurts. Feeling unwanted in your own family. But I know that's not true. And maybe I can't get things straight in my head because I'm afraid of offending anyone. Me, afraid of being offensive. I can tell you straight up that if you don't repent and put your trust in Jesus that you will go to hell. But when it comes to admitting that I don't feel loved - I get scared. Maybe I just feel like I'm too old to feel this way. Like I should have gotten over it sooner. And I've gotten over a lot of things.
Dang.
Back to the point...
So, when I go home this next month... am I going to be the same old Bekki. Or am I going to be the Rebecca that God has formed these past two years?

In other, not serious, news. I did some more Christmas shopping. I am really excited. I am really stumped on what to get my brother, though. I've gotten everyone else figured out.
And I'm sick. This'll be the third day running.

My sock creatures are really coming along. I got some new socks to make one for Selah. I'm stoked.

Anyhow, I'll leave this where it is.

one of those things..

2007-11-26T22:01:00.000-06:00

1. When was the last time you shaved your legs?
a week or so ago. hey, it's winter!

2. What were you doing this morning at 8am?
waking up. i had to pick up mikaila from the airport

3. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
making dinner

4. What are you wearing?
MAINE shirt and black pants

5. Are you mad at anyone right now?
my throat

6. Last person to say they loved you?
emily?

7.Last person to call you?
cameo

8. What is your middle name?
louise

9. Do you have a crush on anyone?
nope

10. Have you been naked today?
in the shower.

11. Do you have any famous relatives?
we're all famous.

12. Have you ever had sex in a public place?
what? no.

13. Have you ever made-out in a public place?
doubt it.

14.How many different drinks have you had today?
just tea.

16. What have you eaten today?
i went to a chinese buffet for lunch. and i'm making a pizza right now.

17. Are you good at math?
no way

18. Do you have plans on Saturday night?
i'm not sure. i think we have 24 hour prayer.

19. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
nope.

20. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
sure have

21. Do you like the ocean?
yes. i adore it.

22. Do you stay friends with your ex's?
i have a hard enough time staying friends with friends.

23. What are you excited about?
my pizza

24. What did you do yesterday?
drove home from arkansas

25. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive?
no.

26. Where do you keep your change?
in a tattooed piggy bank

27. Who is the best person in your life?
Jesus

28. Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
dagger and i do well together

29. What was the weather like on your birthday?
cold, i think?

30. Would you kiss anyone on your top friends list?
myspace? no.

One is the loneliest

2007-11-26T20:07:00.000-06:00

So here we go. Another blog. That's all I need. But, this one is for all the folks back home. Just to see what is happening in my life.
I'll post more later once I get things settled here.